written March 21st, 2025
I cannot tell if how I am feeling is a symptom of my age, or a deeper problem. I have tried therapy and drugs and SSRIs and exercise and prayer and crystals and sleeping sideways and going for a walk as soon as I wake up and deleting Instagram…I even caved and bought a book on meditation. Yet, here I still am. Here I still feel. I am told that things get better after 25, but what defines “better”? I try to lead every day with gratitude because it is such an insane blessing to know the people that I know and experience the world as I have been able to. But, there’s a part of me that thinks that the joy of a good cup of tea or sitting in the sun cannot sustain me for the rest of my life. I am not even sure it can sustain me for the next two years. And I guess nobody said it has to, but I do not want to keep figuring things out…But, then I think “that’s the point of life.” I keep saying I need some sort of stimulation outside of myself. At the end of the day, what remains glaringly obvious is that I am only 23, so who cares? I am in a weird limbo where I know almost every person has the same sort of existential dread or uncertainty, but I am not sure if it manifests in everybody as wondering if there is even a point to life and its structures.
Three days ago, I was walking down a gorgeous street in Portugal and was hit with a paralyzing though that “this will not save me.” And then I became angry with myself because holy shit I am in a beautiful city with one of my best friends and all I can think about is where I will be years from now. I am heavily considering getting a master’s in reproductive healthcare abroad, and I am thinking “God, it will feel so good to be truly alone and only focused on adjusting my brain to an entirely new experience. It’s like resetting my brain.” And then I start thinking “what happens if I lie alone at night and these feelings are worse because everything is so new. And then I think maybe that’s the point of life — to not settle into comfortability, to push the limits of your body and your mind, to be in a constant state of change. And now I think there’s too much in my head. There’s too much everywhere.
I recently finished this book, “Will I Ever Have Sex Again?” by Sofie Hagen. Hagen references Foucault’s idea that our self-perception is greatly skewed by being exposed to discourse/the lives of other people. We are unable to navigate our own lives because we begin to believe that what is portrayed in media is the only way to live. We’ve never been exposed to anything different. At least not an exposure that could lead to a complete overhaul of a belief system.
All the should-stories, all the stories we have about how we should do things, make it really, really hard for us to figure ourselves out…We should imagine we are standing beside a sculpture of ourselves and we are constantly sculpting and re-sculpting that sculpture… We are kind of constantly figuring out who we are
(Hagen, 60)
I cannot ask my mother about this because she did not have this much time to think about herself when she was my age. So, really, am I a brat? It’s like I am aware of these things that I have and I have finally moved beyond the “I don’t deserve it” mindset, but now I am stuck in the “I am so deeply grateful, but something is still off.” And this feeling of “offness” is usually offset by either a burgeoning excitement at what I could do, or a paralyzing dread at not having a roadmap. I feel a bit like a petulant child. Historically, I am not good at the “one day at a time” mindset. I have not been conditioned to be good at it. I am also scared that this “offness” will metastasize and I will be convinced that every decision I have made has been wrong in some way. Where do we go from here?
There was a day in Portugal where we met my mom for lunch. Upon seeing me, before saying “hello,” she goes “what’s wrong? You look so tired.” And because I’m still basically a glorified teenage girl I was offended and snappy. But I sat with that comment and began to think “do I look worn out at 23? Is that how other people see me?” The answer to that is “no” because I have been described as “walking sunshine” by other people, which feels a little ironic after this post, no?
I have been bombarded by grief and assault and pain for the past 6 years and I know I am not special for my suffering, but because it’s mine, I am going to roll out the red carpet for it. I know the solution is to keep going and give myself time, but I just sometimes do not know if the time is worth it. I feel weaker than the “average” human being. I have a note in my phone called “Life is Good,” where I list every time someone or something good happens to me and reminds me of how beautiful this life is. I am trying, I am really trying. I can sit here and write this whole thing, but still wake up at 6:18am and watch the clouds barrel through the sky and notice the micro-movement in the trees and say a silent prayer that I possess the faculties that allow me to witness this. Because how crazy is that? I’m reading a book I love because I had the money to buy it because of the job I like and that pays my bills. Astounding work from the universe on that one. I still have to go to the dentist for a cleaning. I just remembered that. Another thing I am able to do because of this job that the universe mysteriously guided me to.
I am trying to think about what it takes to keep going and I find myself thinking about my friend,
, who tells me that she wishes I could see how wonderful I am. She has done a lot for my emotional and psychological development. I swear to God, I have never met anyone like her. When I think of her I think of the ways that life does not have to be complicated. Nothing has to be set in stone, everything can be in relation to something else or it can be not in relation to something else. My life is my life and that means sometimes it will be up, sometimes it will be down, but she will always be there for whatever happens.____________________________________________________________________________
written March 22nd, 2025
I think there are small ways the universe tries to keep me going. Take yesterday, for example, I started not necessarily in the worst place, but not in a good one, either. I had tried going outside and journaling and reading and I was slowly able to regulate myself more. And then throughout the day, I slowly felt more buoyed. There were small reminders that the universe had not forgotten me. Right now, it is 7:13am and I am listening to the birds chirping outside my window and am trying to shift my mindset. I read this book recently, “Prodigal Summer” by Barbara Kingsolver, and it has really stuck with me. It’s all about nature as an interconnected mechanism. I am describing it in a very loose way, but my God what a beautiful book. So now, seeing as my brain is malleable and easily influenced, I am trying to take more of that approach in focusing on nature and the miracle that it is.
I spoke on the phone with my friend, Melany (
), last night. She’s one of those people who are miraculously authentic and compassionate. Her patience and understanding is truly such a gift in my life. Anyways, we were chatting about how we think about ourselves too much, and it made me think about how there was a disconnect between my mind and my body. I’m thinking about that Sofie Hagen book again, and how they said if someone asked them how they feel in their body, they would not know how to respond. I can tell you where I feel depression and anxiety, but those are high trauma, high response moments. Is that the only time I am meant to be aware of my body? There are moments where I am so acutely aware of myself that I can basically feel my skin cells. But, how do we make that a more regular occurrence? Should we? Is being human just the process of chasing a feeling and praying the universe allows you to experience it again, even just once? Maybe I am thinking too much. I am not sure how I feel about the concept that your mindset alters your reality. If my mindset is this penetrable, then what does that mean for my reality? I am thinking too much. It’s 7:27am right now. I am going to go brush my teeth and take a shower.Note: sometimes I need someone that is older than me and does not know me to tell me that everything will work out fine
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Hello Substack pals, long time no see!
Slowly getting into the process of writing again + making it a more casual thing, not every post needs to be literary novel worthy. If there’s anybody else struggling through the mulch of life, let me know what helps.
Lots of love,
Jasmine
My beloved brown skinned girl!
You are a writer!! Period
And a damn good one!
Keep feeling, keep writing, keep living
I say this every time but I genuinely think this might be my favorite post of yours